By the definition, I am halfway in recovery. It is like I am standing in the doorway looking in, seeing all the positives that could come from recovery. But all the while looking back at where I have been and not wanting to give it up. There are many days when I just feel like slamming the door on recovery and running back to TED.
The road to recovery began for me in February 2009. My boyfriend (now my husband) decided to call out TED and let me know that what I was doing was not normal. First I denied knowing what he was talking about. I thought if I pretended it did not exist, then he too would let it pass. I had successfully done this on many occasions, but not this time. He was not buying it. I did agree to stop purging from that day forward, more to appease him but also because I knew that this was my least favorite. I felt I could keep control just with restriction. To this day, I have kept my promise!
He finally convinced me that I wanted and needed to talk to someone. I would show up for these “sessions” physically” but mentally I was not present. It took a little while for me to feel comfortable sharing TED with a stranger. I have to say, she knew exactly what questions to ask. She helped me try to uncover the emotions behind my eating disorder. What this did accomplish, was helping to see that the choices I was making were not making me happier but they were definitely making me sicker. Because of her help, I learned to make better decisions physically. I started eating. The down side was that I gained weight but never committed myself enough to the process to actually get rid of TED. Instead I did the work on the outside so that to the rest of the world believed I recovered, when I knew that this was not true. It actually caused me to become more attached to TED and hate myself even more. Because I am too proud to admit failure, I told my therapist that I had achieved everything I needed and must complete the rest of the work on my own. She dismissed me from her care and I have ventured on this journey on my own. I am still trying to figure out what may have caused me to rely solely on TED for support, if you can call it that, as opposed to lean on my family and friends. I am not sure that this will ever be resolved, and I am not sure that it needs to be. What I am sure is that I need to cross the threshold and finally shut the door to really claim that I am recovered.