Yesterday was the day I truly opened myself up. I actually put a post on FB to view my blog. I am sure many people were shocked by what they read as I have only shared this with a select handful of people. For the first 27 years, I truly kept this to myself sharing with no one. This was my little secret. I was afraid if I shared it with anyone they would want to take it away. I did not want to lose TED or even share him with others. Even today, I am not 100% ready to let go, but I am 100% ready to learn how to let go. I am ready to start listening to my Real friends, not TED.
In looking back over the last 30 years I have lost so much! First and foremost is MYSELF. I am not sure if what I think is truly me thinking or what TED has told me to think. I am sure this must sound crazy. When one talks about “follow your gut”, TED is my gut. Or “Let your conscious be your guide”, TED is my conscious (albeit probably the devil and not the angel). I think this is so engrained in me because it started at such a young age. I have to admit that it does not even make sense to me.
I have dedicated my life to keeping TED happy, because I was convinced that this is what would make me happy. I am happy to say that I might be wrong. I know that just starting to believe this wont undo 30 years of harmful thinking. It will take time. I know that having friends in my corner is going to be beneficial.