Over the last two years or so, I keep hearing this. Yes I have put weight on. I am no longer 105 pounds. Believe me I know this. As I stated in a previous blog, doing the work on the outside was the easy part. Mainly because I never really wanted to starve myself, I had to. I never really wanted to purge, I had to. But, the day a physician said this to me, it sent my world in a downward spiral. It pushed me back to TED. I am sure he thought it was a compliment, but really it was the most harmful sentence that he could have said to me. Because what i heard was “you are too heavy to have an eating disorder”. I was angry that I was fat. I was angry that I still hated my body. I was angry at myself for being angry.
This is a no win situation for my support system. I need support to get through this, but I am quick to turn your words into a hurtful statement. In the end, I do not believe that I am worthy of beling loved, being happy or recovering. I need people who will not tiptoe around the subject in my support system. I just want to apologize up front if I hurt you because I don’t handle a statement with grace. I know that my support system only wants the best for me, and soon I hope to want the same.