Last night I had what I called a breakdown but not a breakthough. Jimmy said something that really hit home with me. “You like to fail” How could he say that? I hate to fail. How can he not get this? But then I sat in that feeling, and tried to see why he would think that. This is the result.
I tried to figure out things that I had failed at over the last few years. I went into recovery knowing that I didn’t want to be there. So because of this I put on 15 pounds but never bothered to work through the underlying issues….FAILURE. I then said that I can’t start working on the underlying issues until I got down 5 lbs. Once I got close to the 5 pounds, I decided that I was not happy yet….FAILURE. But I knew if I got down 10 pounds, then I could start working on the underlying issues. Again, once I got close I decided that I l was not ready……FAILURE. Now I am down 13 pounds and I still can’t be proud of the number on the scale….FAILURE. I am a self-sabatoger. I continually change my goal so that I make sure that I fail….FAILURE. Any proud moment I should be having, I make sure that I point out all the things that I could have done better…..FAILURE.
I still am not sure that I like to fail but maybe I need to fail. I definitely am unconsciously sabatoging myself so that I don’t succeed. Maybe that is the same thing. Why am I never satisfied?
What I do know is this is where I am right now – I am ready to recover, but please do not take away my eating disorder.
