Breakdown but not a Breakthrough.

Last night I had what I called a breakdown but not a breakthough. Jimmy said something that really hit home with me. “You like to fail” How could he say that? I hate to fail. How can he not get this? But then I sat in that feeling, and tried to see why he would think that. This is the result.

I tried to figure out things that I had failed at over the last few years. I went into recovery knowing that I didn’t want to be there. So because of this I put on 15 pounds but never bothered to work through the underlying issues….FAILURE. I then said that I can’t start working on the underlying issues until I got down 5 lbs. Once I got close to the 5 pounds, I decided that I was not happy yet….FAILURE. But I knew if I got down 10 pounds, then I could start working on the underlying issues. Again, once I got close I decided that I l was not ready……FAILURE. Now I am down 13 pounds and I still can’t be proud of the number on the scale….FAILURE. I am a self-sabatoger. I continually change my goal so that I make sure that I fail….FAILURE. Any proud moment I should be having, I make sure that I point out all the things that I could have done better…..FAILURE.

I still am not sure that I like to fail but maybe I need to fail. I definitely am unconsciously sabatoging myself so that I don’t succeed. Maybe that is the same thing. Why am I never satisfied?

What I do know is this is where I am right now – I am ready to recover, but please do not take away my eating disorder.

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About iltyp4u

I would like to introduce myself to you. My name is Angel. On the surface I look very successful and happy. I have married my soul mate, I have one daughter and two beautiful grandchildren, and I own/operate a successful at-home business. But, I do have a skeleton in my closet and his name is TED. I know that many of you also have some form of this skeleton, and my hope is that in my recovery, I can help at least one other person through recovery. Who or what is TED you ask? TED is the name that I have given to my Eating Disorder. If you or someone you know suffers from an eating disorder, I hope that you/they find this blog helpful. Please check back for updates about my progress/struggles. Also, feel free to comment on your progress. Follow me on twitter: @iltyp4u Follow me on FB: www.facebook.com/triumphfromted
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