I am ready for recovery but please don’t make me give up my eating disorder!
This is just one example of how my mind works. I guess that’s what they mean by the phrase “Have your cake and eat it too”. Its funny to me that they use the word cake to make their point. I find that I am trying to come up with excuses of why recovery is not for me or how I think I can control my eating disorder because I have the tools. I know both of these statements are me trying to sabatoge my recovery. I want to do the hard work, but I feel like I should receive immediate results for my hard work. I am finding that it is just not going to work that way.
A DAILY BATTLE – The Scale (No matter the number because it is never good enough) TED: Okay, I am not going to eat today. ME: No, Angel, you have to eat. You are not allowed to restrict any more. TED: I need to restrict until I get my weight down to where I am happy. ME: Angel, just be more careful about what you eat. TED: I can’t do it. Please just let me restrict.
MY ACTIONS: When people are around, then I eat. When I am left alone, I just eat minimal calorie count – enough to be able to say I ate! No one asks “how much did you eat” because that would be like asking a woman their age, you just don’t do it.
How do I make TED go away? If he never goes away, how can I learn not to listen to him? My only answer right now is – just take it one day at a time!