My world is completely black and white. I either succeed or I fail. If I am not thin, then I have to be fat. If people are whispering while I am around, they are definitely talking negative about me. I could go on for hours, but I won’t. I am sure you get the point. I am not sure which came first, the eating disorder or the black-n-white thinking. What I do know is that now they go hand-n-hand. TED thrives on this.
People who tend to see the world only in terms of extremes are more prone to severe depression, marital conflict, anxiety and host of other everyday problems. – by Mark Sichel
I know that this way of thinking has made me a difficult person to live with. You will never win an argument/discussion with me. I immediately hear what I want to hear and not necessarily what you mean. What I hear is usually negative about me – – “I am not perfect enough”, “I was wrong”, and/or “I am a failure”. Once I start to hear these statements, I start to shut down and TED takes over. I stop conversing and begin to derail myself from any forward progress I have made. I decide that I am not worth loving. I begin to push that person away and give them reasons why they should not want to be with me. Self loathing is my defense mechanism. TED reminds me that he is the only one that will ever love me for who I am despite my short comings, and I believe him. My thought process goes to punishing myself for not being perfect. I promise myself not to eat until I have remedied the situation. I have gone days without eating.
Now, with Jimmy on my side, I usually only experience my derailment for a few hours instead of a few days. He always gives me time to try to work through the thoughts myself, which I appreciate. But, when I haven’t come around, he is always there to snap me out of my funk. He reminds me that he loves me and is not going anywhere (my biggest fear). I don’t ever want to be left alone with TED! Jimmy listens to me why I try to rationalize my feelings. He is never judgmental. I think this is important.
@Jimmy – I know that this cannot be easy for you at all, but I love you so much for sticking by my side as I work through this very difficult issue. I know that with you on my team, I will be able to recover. I love you!