Have you ever had a dream where you were being attacked and you were punching, kicking and just flat out fighting trying to get away. What makes this dream even more terrifying is that when you open your mouth to scream for help, nothing comes out! You try and try but it is just one silent scream in the dark after another……..and then, thankfully, you wake up, look around and see that you are okay. And slowly, you drift back to sleep.
With my eating disorder, I don’t ever get to wake up. Every morning, evening and night I feel like I am punching, kicking and silently screaming just hoping that someone will come rescue me from this horrific nightmare. The reality is that no one can help me because I am hiding my eating disorder from the ones I love the most – my family and friends. I don’t want them to know. And because they don’t know, I feel that I have it under control. Can you help someone with a problem that they don’t admit to having? A problem that is hidden like a skeleton in the closet afraid that people will judge or treat you differently if they knew the truth.
Now that I am finally opening up about my eating disorder, I am finding the loving support of my husband, my family and friends that I thought could never be possible. They are “calling me out” when I try to wallow in my eating disorder which is what I need. I don’t want to be treated with kid gloves. I am not so fragile that I cannot handle being confronted. Actually, I have more strength than most, because I have kept up this fight for so long and have not given up.
I am looking forward to my nightmares only occurring when I sleep!