Distorted Body Image

This picture sums up my world.  As part of my recovery, I am trying to learn to make “healthier” choices. But in order to do this, I have to understand what unhealthy choices I have made and to try to understand why I made them. As a young adult everyone constantly told me that I was thin, but every time I looked in the mirror, all I saw were my flaws. My thighs were too big – they touched when I was sitting or standing, my fat came over top my jeans, my stomach was too flabby. My list could go on and on. I chose to eat very little and more than not, not eat anything at all. If I was in a position where I had to eat, then I just took laxatives like it was my dessert. Why could I not see what my family and friends saw?
What makes this whole thing so sad, is even 30 years later, I still have this distorted body image. Even with all of my efforts to progress towards recovery, I cannot get passed my flaws. There are even times when I try to convince myself that maybe I don’t have an eating disorder. Maybe I am just crazy, but then I start reading a list of the warning signs of an eating disorder and I know the truth. Some of the obvious ones for me

  1. Skips meals, always has an excuse for not eating (ill, just ate with a friend, stressed-out, not hungry)
  2. Selects only low fat items. Reads food labels religiously; worried about calories and fat grams in foods. Eats very small portions of foods
  3. Lies about how much food was eaten
  4. Has fears about weight gain and obesity, obsesses about clothing size. Complains about being fat, when in truth it is not so
  5. Inspects image in mirror frequently, weighs self frequently
  6. May wear baggy clothing or many layers of clothing to hide weight loss and to stay warm
  7. Evidence of discarded packaging for diet pills, laxatives, or diuretics (water pills)

My progress comes in that I can definitely now see what my unhealthy choices are. What I cannot figure out is why I have made them and more importantly why I still make them. Finding this missing link hopefully is what it takes for me to see what my friends and family have said has always been there.

 

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About iltyp4u

I would like to introduce myself to you. My name is Angel. On the surface I look very successful and happy. I have married my soul mate, I have one daughter and two beautiful grandchildren, and I own/operate a successful at-home business. But, I do have a skeleton in my closet and his name is TED. I know that many of you also have some form of this skeleton, and my hope is that in my recovery, I can help at least one other person through recovery. Who or what is TED you ask? TED is the name that I have given to my Eating Disorder. If you or someone you know suffers from an eating disorder, I hope that you/they find this blog helpful. Please check back for updates about my progress/struggles. Also, feel free to comment on your progress. Follow me on twitter: @iltyp4u Follow me on FB: www.facebook.com/triumphfromted
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