Give Me What I Deserve!

So I looked up the word deserve on dictionary.com:

  • to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation

I could not have said it better myself! I really am conflicted about what I deserve. Now that I am in recovery my feelings are starting to change. There is a constant battle in my mind.

The healthy side says – Angel, you have worked very hard. You have built a successful medical transcription business, you are happily married to a man who treats you like a princess, and you are navigating recovery. You deserve to be happy, continued success, and recovery.

But the problem is, the ED side does not agree. I am constantly reminded of my shortcomings:

  • Less than perfect body
  • No college degree
  • Inabillity to talk to others
  • Endless bad choices
  • Constantly giving up on myself
  • Failure after Failure

This side knows that I definitely do not deserve to be happy, I do not deserve to have a husband as wonderful as Jimmy, and I am convinced that I can get through the rest of my life with an eating disorder because I can keep it under control. Over the last 30 years, I am constantly trying to derail myself. I purposely try to push people away because I don’t deserve their love. I push their buttons so that they get angry at me, because this is what I deserve.

All of this conflict causes self-doubt for me. Can I do this? Do I want to do it? In the end, I have made a promise to myself to see this all they way to recovery. I do not want to live with this conflict any more. I need to get healthy. I need to remember that all road blocks are mental road blocks.

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About iltyp4u

I would like to introduce myself to you. My name is Angel. On the surface I look very successful and happy. I have married my soul mate, I have one daughter and two beautiful grandchildren, and I own/operate a successful at-home business. But, I do have a skeleton in my closet and his name is TED. I know that many of you also have some form of this skeleton, and my hope is that in my recovery, I can help at least one other person through recovery. Who or what is TED you ask? TED is the name that I have given to my Eating Disorder. If you or someone you know suffers from an eating disorder, I hope that you/they find this blog helpful. Please check back for updates about my progress/struggles. Also, feel free to comment on your progress. Follow me on twitter: @iltyp4u Follow me on FB: www.facebook.com/triumphfromted
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