So I looked up the word deserve on dictionary.com:
- to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation
I could not have said it better myself! I really am conflicted about what I deserve. Now that I am in recovery my feelings are starting to change. There is a constant battle in my mind.
The healthy side says – Angel, you have worked very hard. You have built a successful medical transcription business, you are happily married to a man who treats you like a princess, and you are navigating recovery. You deserve to be happy, continued success, and recovery.
But the problem is, the ED side does not agree. I am constantly reminded of my shortcomings:
- Less than perfect body
- No college degree
- Inabillity to talk to others
- Endless bad choices
- Constantly giving up on myself
- Failure after Failure
This side knows that I definitely do not deserve to be happy, I do not deserve to have a husband as wonderful as Jimmy, and I am convinced that I can get through the rest of my life with an eating disorder because I can keep it under control. Over the last 30 years, I am constantly trying to derail myself. I purposely try to push people away because I don’t deserve their love. I push their buttons so that they get angry at me, because this is what I deserve.
All of this conflict causes self-doubt for me. Can I do this? Do I want to do it? In the end, I have made a promise to myself to see this all they way to recovery. I do not want to live with this conflict any more. I need to get healthy. I need to remember that all road blocks are mental road blocks.