Well today proved to me that this statement is true! Yesterday was a bad day for me. I was finding myself to be overwhelmed by my work load. I was just feeling like I was barely keeping my head above water. So how did I handle this you ask? Not so well. I actually fell back into my old habits. I just binged on junk all day long. I think the only thing that went in my mouth that was of any nutritional value was my ViSalus shake that I started the day off with. So I spent the rest of the day putting my body through the torture of keeping up with my mind. Don’t feel good about yourself, eat something. Didn’t accomplish what you needed to, eat something. Now if I was eating apples and nuts I could be proud but it wasn’t. It consisted of fast food, junk food and lots of soda. At the end of the day, I was in such a funk that I just cried myself to sleep.
But part of what I am learning in recovery is to “get back up on the horse even after you fall off”. So, I got up this morning and had a bowl of fruit for breakfast. Got dressed in my workout gear. I am going to run and get myself back on track. I headed straight to Lake Johnson and began to run. Within the first 1/4 mile I was spent. I know that a lot of it is mind of matter and if I can make it to the first mile, then I can run the whole thing. I was telling myself to control my breathing and keep going. But I could not keep going! And of course the negativity in my head started.
- “What are you thinking?
- “You can’t run a 5K”
- “Your binge left your body deprived of what it needed to complete this run”
- “You did this to yourself”
- “You are a failure”
- “Jut give up”
- “You are such a piece of shit”
- “I told you you couldn’t do it”
I ended up having to walk the last 1.8 miles. I didn’t even do the whole 5K. I just sobbed the whole time. I woudl have quit walking but couldn’t…..I was nowhere near my car. I couldn’t get TED to shut up. I knew that I had done this exact run in Monday and completed it. I knew that for the last month I have been completing all my runs and even set a new PR for me. I have been following a healthy diet (at least two out of three meals). Why am I not able to chalk this one up to a bad day? Why immediately am I a failure?
But today, I did something that I haven’t done before. I reached out in the moment. I called my husband and explained to him that I really needed a pep talk. He always knows what to say. He brought back into prospective all of my accomplishments over the last few months and quieted TED in my head. In the end, I just need to hear that I am not a failure because that is how I felt.
Thank you baby! You are an important part of my recovery and I know with you by myside, I can do anything!