With only four days left until the big day, (running Angels Among Us 5K) I really am just a bundle of nerves. I am suffering from what I am sure are the pre-race jitters. What I know – I have done the hard work. I started training for this 5K on December 16, 2011. After four months of running and strength training, I am at the point where I can actually complete my 5K and I have even set a few PRs along the way.
Why is December 16 such an important date? This is also the day that I decided to join the fight for MY LIFE! I had been dabbling in recovery since January 2010. I had seen a counselor for six months who helped me discover what may have triggered my eating disorder and gave me the tools I needed to recover. The problem was from January 2010 to December 16, 2011, I did not want to recover. I was fine having an eating disorder. It was everyone else around me that was not. Yet I did the work on the outside that was needed for people to believe that I was recovering.
I began to eat, but I could not stop. I went from anorexia to bingeing. When I was alone, I would go from one fast food place to the next until I was so full I couldn’t take it. I would then go to the store and buy chips, candy and chocolate and just keep eating. The problem was, I had made a promise to my husband not to purge and no eating disorder would make me break that promise. I felt like I had to get it all in while he was out-of-town because when he came home, I needed to look strong and act recovered. I was miserable. I hated myself more than ever. So on December 15 I found myself at 136 pounds. This was the heaviest I had been in my entire life. Even during pregnancy I only weighed 125. I kept telling him that if I could just get back to being “skinny” then I could recover. I could not be happy at this weight and therefore could not do the work.
December 16, 2011 was the turning point. I decided to stop with the excuses and get busy on saving my life. That day I went to the gym. I ran and walked the treadmill for 25 minutes. During it, I thought I was going to die. TED reminded me that I don’t have to do this. I can just return to the comfort of HIM and everything would be fine. But I didn’t listen. I began running four days a week and doing strength training. Jimmy encouraged me to run in the park and I have not looked back since! I ♥ running! I am down 13 pounds and all of them have been the healthy way.
What is important is that I not only have been training the outside, but I have been training the inside too. I have been blogging my ups and downs for the past few months. It is amazing how putting something in black and white has helped me face my reality. I have cried (a lot) and smiled (even more). I wish I could tell you how proud I am of what I have accomplished. Before, I couldn’t be proud of anything I did because TED always got in my head and reminded me of all the negatives and that is what I focused on.
These last four months have really been the hardest four months of my life. I feel like I finally have seen a glimpse of what recovery looks like and I WANT IT! I am not saying that this journey is going to come easy from here on out or that I won’t stumble along the way, but what I do know is that I CAN get back up and keep going. Each fall doesn’t take me back to the starting line. It is a learning experience and I get to start where I left off. I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone who has believed in my when I didn’t have the strength to believe in myself!