I know that this is going to sound ridiculous to most people but I must write it down for me. I have created a vision board. The purpose of a vision board is to create an assembly of images and pictures that represent my goal. It is a visual equivalent to writing my goal down. This vision board has become a part of my daily routine. It literally sits directly in front of me all day. The main purpose it has served for me is that when I am in a funk, it reminds me of the direction I want my life to be heading.
Why Is This So Important? TED controls my world. Everything I do from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed is judged by TED. This judgement has created not only distorted body images but also distorted thoughts. I can twist any statement that is made (positive or negative) into a negative comment about me. TED makes me believe that any rejection from others is a sign of my imperfection and just proves that I am not worth loving. So my vision board is my attempt at changing my way of thinking. Anytime there is self-doubt in my head, which is quite often, I look at my vision board and remember what I want for my tomorrow.
So when I came out and saw my vision board being destroyed by little hands, I immediately started crying hysterically. I could not even stop the destruction. Instantly TED was telling me about failure. How he knew I could not achieve these things on my vision board. How I did not deserve to be the person I wanted to be. I needed him and I could not survive in this world without him so why was I trying. And I BELIEVE IT ALL! In that moment, it was a sign for me that I was going to fail. My vision had been destroyed.
Although my husband doesn’t understand my thought process, he has learned the triggers that send me in a downward spiral and obviously this was one. Through his barrage of positive comments he tries to combat the thoughts of TED. I know that this battle has to be exhausting for him but still he comes back to help. He reminds me of the accomplishments and progress I have made in my recovery. Of the hard work that “I” have done and how this “visual setback” can be rebuilt, “bigger and better”. His attempt at making me smile.
What I have learned over these last few days (and yes, it has taken days) is not to let others (little hands or TEDs) destroy your vision. Be in control of your destiny and make it what you want it to be. I can and will redo my vision board. But what is awesome is that since I am almost 5 months into my recovery, I can actually put accomplishments on there and not just dreams. You will see my race # (1021) from my 5K on my new vision board!
Follow me on FB www.facebook.com/triumphfromted or Twitter @iltyp4u