I realize that recovery is not going to be a walk in the park. I realize I would have to do a whole lot of hard work both mentally and physically to get my mind and body to a healthy state. BUT, why do the setbacks have to hurt so bad! I just needed a little push to get me started (okay so maybe more like a shove) but I started. Now, I feel like every day should be a little bit better than the last. But I am finding it is not. I am finding that forward progress is not the only direction this recovery is going to take me.
But for me, steps backwards feel like failures. Failures make me want to quit. Quitting means I must be punished for not being perfect. And with every step backwards I find my self once again falling into the arms of TED. Being with TED is so comforting. With TED, he doesn’t judge me. He tells me I cannot do it so I do not even try, and see, then I do not fail. TED is honest about my body, he does not sugarcoat for me. He points out every flaw but always gives me a way to fix it. TED is my best friend and something I don’t want to do without.
But I must quiet TEDs voice and listen to the voice of someone who truly loves me for me. I have put in too much hard work to allow myself to fall back to TED so quickly. Remember all those runs, all those weights lifted, all the healthy food I have given myself for nourishment. Remember YOUR VISION! I have fought a hard fight up to this point and I can’t give up now. Please make his voice go away. Please make my voice louder than His. I really don’t want to fail at recovery. I desperately am in need of a little push to get me back on track.
I am listening to the voice of someone who truly loves me for me. Yes, Angel, I hear you. I will not give up. I will not turn my back on you this time!
