I control what I eat, even to the point of extremes, and it makes me feel good about myself. What I am realizing is that I am constantly confronted by the fact that I have intertwined my life around food and body image, and I have actually become a prisoner to my disorder. I am desperately trying to balance giving up the control that I feel when engaged in my eating disorder without feeling out of control in my life. I need to find a “healthy” component in my life that I can control. Maybe this is not the “right” way to maneuver out of my eating disorder, but I feel that I have to start somewhere.
MY ATTEMPT AT CHANGING MY FOCUS
I have focused first on trying to control the exercise in my life. I have gone from a couch potato to running three to four times a week. I feel really good about myself when I am exercising and like the way I feel when I am done. I have had to stop exercising over the last week though because of an ankle injury. I feel myself starting to spiral out of control. I have weighed myself on numerous occasions and just see my weight slowly creeping up. Really, one set back and I cannot maintain forward progress?
This brings me back to the aspect that I totally cannot control. The problem is I feel out of control when it comes to my nutrition. I have convinced myself that I do not like to cook. This has given me permission not to eat. How can I control my diet if I do not like to be in the kitchen? What healthy meal have you ever seen come from a microwave? My point exactly. There is not one. I was really good at controlling “nothing” going into my mouth, why can I not control the content of what I am putting in. I have found that most of the foods I have denied myself with this eating disorder I really do love and now I cannot stop eating them. I therefore want to revert to eating nothing. I cannot find the balance in between.