We all have obstacles in our life and for me this is a big one. I do not think it is just a stumbling block, it is like a huge boulder blocking my passage through recovery. My biggest fear is that I will start gaining weight and it will not stop. That fear is what has kept me clinging to TED for so many years.
About six months ago, I realized that I had been approaching my recovery all wrong. It started out when I decided to go to a counselor because “others” thought it would help. The problem was, I did not want to be there and I did not care to recover. I liked having TED as my crutch to make me feel like I was in control. I reluctantly agreed to go because I saw how much it meant to my husband. And as much as I love TED, I love my husband more. He had been such a good sport in helping me to this point and not just running away from it or pretending it did not exist, I owed it to him. Right?
Well now I know the answer is NO! Going through the motions of recovery when you are not ready definitely does more harm than it does good. Let me explain. Weekly I would go to my counselor and we would talk about Me. I would divert the conversation to talk about my grandchild, my daughter, my husband – – anything as long as it was not about me. Why? That conversation is way too painful to have. I had to face, and even admit, that what I was doing was not right. I remember saying, “I am ready to recovery, but please do not take away my eating disorder.” I was so not ready to step away from TED.
But what happened was, I had to pretend that I was “recovering”. I began telling my counselor what I thought she needed to hear and eventually convinced myself I could do it by myself. At home, I would eat when I was with others. But when I was alone, first thing I did was binge. I would go through drive-thru after drive-thru just eating and then stop at the store to buy more. As you may remember, way back when, I made a promise to my husband not to purge. Maybe not a smart promise but I promise I will not break. So my day of binging was always followed by days of not eating at all. This vicious cycle took a toll not only on my body but on my mental. My weight slowly crept up until I was at 136. People were saying things like “You look Great”, Wow, Angel, you look so healthy”, and I even had a doctor say “Well it looks like you have recovered”. But inside, I hated myself more than I did when I started this process. I hate me, I hate the way I look, and I did not care if I ever recovered. I WANTED TED BACK!
But on December 16, something clicked. Something, from somewhere inside of me, something I did not even know existed said “Enough is Enough”. You are better than this. You are better than always complaining about “gaining weight” but not doing anything about it. You are better than TED. It was then that I joined the fight for my recovery. I started going to the gym. I started counting my calories to make sure that I did not under eat and most importantly for me so that I did not overeat. I began to do the hard work ‘mentally” that was needed to recover – I started this blog to log my ups and downs but more importantly so that when I am in a down, I can read and remember how I overcame that low. It was the little push I needed to continue. Now I am sharing my story with others and hopefully inspiring others to get healthy with me on my journey.
But each morning when I wake up I still weigh myself and this starts the internal conflict – How much is too much?