This morning started just like every other morning until I hit the scale. 124.5 is the number that ever so quietly beamed back at me. What? Are you kidding me? Do you not know what all I have done last week? I did three runs (one 5-mile run and two 3-mile runs) and three days of Insanity. That is six days of workouts. Then on day seven I played tennis for about 45 minutes. Why does it say 124.5? I actually gained 1.5 pounds. Ugh.
So my day started in a tailspin. I’m trying not to let TED take over my thoughts of how I am just wasting my time. If you just do not eat today, you will lose that 1.5 pounds plus if you do not eat tomorrow we can get you down even further. With my head spinning, I start my daily ritual so as to not draw attention to my struggle. I fill my Live Big water bottle and sit down at the computer going through FB and Twitter just seeing what everyone is up to. I run across a blog post from a run club friend. In her blog she talks about why she runs and that it is okay to run in the middle of the pack and that she runs because she is a runner.
Why do I run? When I started this fight, I made a vision board which ironically is titled OUTRUNNING TED. I did this before I knew what a part running would play in my recovery. Running has given me the ability to set goals (completing 5Ks). These accomplishments are constant reminders to me that I can do it. But the run club for me is my weekly check-in. What is amazing is they do not even know how they have changed my life. I have never felt more accepted by a group of people than I do with Raleigh Runners. No one has judged me because I cannot run much faster than the walkers, there is always encouragement when I get back. This is why I come back each week. I still need someone telling me I can do it because I constantly hear TED telling me I cannot. With them I am a runner, not just some girl with an eating disorder.
So I wonder, do bloggers ever know the impact they have on others? This morning I was teetering on whether to run back to TED or continue the fight and after reading Tara’s blog, she gave me a new perspective and helped me to see the big picture. I am in the fight for my life and no matter what number the scale flashes at me, I always need to own the hard work I am doing. To continue the fight or quit is all just a choice. Not everyone will make the same choice, but it is MY choice to decide. And today, my decision has been made.
I am worth it! I love my run club and know that with their support and my hard work, TED will one day just be left at the starting line waiting for me to come back…..but I will be at the finish line, never looking back. “I AM A RUNNER!”