Not sure that I can explain this concept completely, but I need to work through this feeling. I am struggling today with accepting the accomplishments that I have made over the last six months and picking out the body flaws that I still have. TED tells me that I have worked really hard for the last six months and I am not seeing the results that are needed to keep me pushing forward. TED says just quit and come back and I am tempted by the offer.
When I am living my life “clothed”, I feel proud of these accomplishments. If anyone told me six months ago I would be signing up for 5Ks and 8Ks or working out six days a week, I would have laughed at them. There is no way! Why would I want to do that! But I can definitely see my life has changed for the better. I am getting healthy the right way. I have joined a run club, made great friends, and have even shared my story with complete strangers. My blog is being read by people all over the US and Canada. I am even being told I am inspirational. I have found that my passion lies in helping others get healthy, regardless of the end of the spectrum they are starting from.
It is a completely different story when those clothes come off. I stand in the mirror picking out all the flaws. I wonder why if I am doing all of this hard work, why do I have these areas. If I am working out six days a week, why does the number on the scale go up and not down. I do not want to be 125 pounds but I am inching my way back there. I thought for sure I would be under 120 by now. I begin to think that I am wasting my time and recovery does not seem so worth it. I want to go back to where I am comfortable. I begin to doubt my progress. Is it all just smoke and mirrors to make me seem further along than I am?
So, what I need to do right now is to regroup. I need to wallow in this feeling so that I remember how it feels. The fact that it makes me cry and that if I am crying, I am not so happy. I need to know that I am not going to wake up tomorrow and be cured, or have the perfect body, or love myself completely. I need to stop thinking I have failed because I do not have these things in my life yet. I spent 30 years being cruel to myself and it is going to take time to learn to love again. I need to learn that set backs are not failures but just obstacles I need to learn to jump over. But it is okay if I stumble and do not make the jump, because there are many people in my life with their hands reaching toward me to help me get up and continue on this path.
Just be patient, Angel, you will find your inner strength to be happy with who you are. I know you can do it!