When in recovery, no matter what you are recovering from, you do a lot of soul searching. How did I get here? What has kept me here so long? Why do I keep coming back? The answer is easy – it’s my comfort zone. In my addiction, each day looks the same. Saturday starts no different than Monday. My life revolves around a scale, a number and what can I do today to make that number lower. I have been letting TED win when it comes to the mental game. I hear the whispers of others judging me and laughing at me because of my flaws.
So I decided to switch up my routine to see what happened. Would I die? Would I just crumble? I decided to take a trip. I did not want to go alone, so I invited an old friend. And without hesitation, he said yes. I was excited to spend some alone time with him because my life lately has had so many distractions. As we boarded the plane, my heart started pounding….can I handle the change. He grabbed my hand and reassured me that I could. We chatted on the plane about the good old times and what we missed most. Before I knew it, I was on the other side of the country safely in my hotel. I called home to let them know that I made it safely.
My reason for coming was clear. I was going to hike a trail to the Hollywood sign. I was going to pushed out of my comfort zone because I was doing this hike with complete strangers. I had set a goal for myself to reach out to 10 people and have some type of conversation – even if it was just about the weather. As I struggled with whether I truly could do this, TED again held my hand and said “I will be there with you. We can do anything as long as we do it together.” And so I closed my eyes and went to sleep.
I awake well before my alarm, nervously excited about today and wonder if I really can do this. Today is a new day and I am ready to try something new! But wait…..there is no scale in the hotel. How can I start my day without a number? I begin to panic. What have I done? Who am I fooling? I do not want to hang out with strangers. I can already hear them whispering about me.
Deep breath. I focus on my inhale, my exhale, my inhale, my exhale. I think back to what a lady on the plane said to me yesterday. “What makes you so important? Of course people are talking, but why do they have to be talking about you?” She’s right. There is no one today on this walk that is going to ask me my weight? What do you not like about yourself? Wow, I cannot believe you came here with all those flaws. There is only one person in the world who will do this for me…..TED.
I make the mental choice to start this Thursday differently. I am going to go to this hike…..alone.