WHO KNEW that doing the hard work would be so hard? Definitely not me. I am always looking for the answers on the back, trying to find the easily solution by using the calculator. Sad part is I always end up having to go back and do the hard work. So why is it that I continue to try to skirt around the issues and claim victory over TED, my journey and most importantly my life? I feel like I should be there by now! I constantly look at where I have been and I know I have come a long way. I no longer use food to punish yet it is still my enemy. My addiction to purging is gone, yet I still find nights where I am curled up next to the toilet like it is a long lost friend. WHY? Why can’t I see the hard work and progress that I have done and just keep moving forward. I keep hearing about this light at the end of a tunnel, yet that light just flickers for me. I reach toward it and somehow smother the light and it goes out. It’s like my life is sucking the oxygen out of the tunnel and it is dark again. But when I do finally see the light again, I feel like it is so far away and unreachable.
WHO KNEW that issues that are mole hills to most are like climbing Mt. Everest for me? You look at me and I know what you are thinking. Why is it that your look means something different to you than it does to me? You talk to me and I hear what you are saying. Why do I twist what you are saying so that your words sound harsh? I do not know. This is how my thought process works. Compliments seem like jabs to the gut. I always say that I process things a little differently thanks to TED, but why am I blaming TED? Is it really his fault? You said I Love You and is it truly TED who puts conditions on that or is it me? Is it TED who convinces me that I will never be good enough or is it really me? I say I have done the hard work to take away TEDs power yet I give it back daily. Maybe I need to stop blaming TED that my world “inside my head” is F’d up and start taking responsibility for myself. Maybe blaming TED is my way of saying it’s not my fault I am this way. It’s hard to fail when it is not your fault.
WHO KNEW that loving myself would be the hardest part. How can I look in the mirror and I like what I see but hate it at the same time? How can I step on a scale and know that the number is “healthy” but curse it for being that high? When do I get to step back and take a breath and just smile. Smile at the victories I have made along the way, even the small ones that most do not notice. Smile at the people who have come into my life to help me on this journey without pushing them away. Smile at where my life is heading knowing that I will do my best to derail the progress. I am so tired. I am tired of walking on this journey, tired of running away from my issues, and tired of trying to find myself.
I wanna be a quitter:
- I want to quit setting perfection as my standard.
- I want to quit undermining my progress.
- I want to quit looking at myself through my eyes and see what everyone else sees.
I just ask that you do not quit on me because I am not ready to do this on my own, YET!